The other day, a friend of mine ended a conversation with, “I appreciate you.” I looked around to see if Ted Lasso was standing behind me. He wasn’t. So, I did what any self-respecting English speaker would do—I cringed.
Now, I understand that every generation likes to reinvent the English language. There was a time when “cool” referred to a pleasant breeze, “bad” meant bad, and nobody thought to “circle back” unless they were lost in a corn maze. But somewhere along the line, “I appreciate you” became the new go-to phrase for people who want to sound warm and gracious without putting in the effort.
Grammarian Michael Mather, who no doubt spends his weekends diagramming sentences for fun, points out that “appreciate” is a transitive verb, meaning it requires a direct object. You can appreciate a thoughtful gesture, a good meal, or the fact that your neighbor finally took down his Christmas lights in July. But “I appreciate you” is like saying “I enjoy” and never finishing the sentence. It leaves you hanging, wondering what exactly is being appreciated. My shoes? My haircut? My ability to sit quietly and nod while you talk?
Medium writer Bev Potter nails it when she says, “‘I appreciate you’ somehow manages to sound both fake and patronizing at the same time.” It’s the linguistic cousin of “Good for you!”—which has never, in the history of human civilization, been uttered sincerely.
Let’s be honest: “I appreciate you” is a transactional phrase. It translates to, “You did something useful for me, and I am acknowledging it in the vaguest way possible.” If your boss says it, brace yourself—there’s probably a last-minute project coming your way.
Specificity is much better. A simple “Thank you for…” followed by the thing you actually appreciate makes all the difference. “Thank you for helping me toilet-paper that house back in high school.” “Thank you for listening to my absurdly long story about my new book.” “Thank you for pretending to be impressed when I used ‘transitive verb’ in a sentence.” These statements feel genuine. They acknowledge both the person and the act, and they don’t sound like something a chatbot would spit out.
In my family, we freely toss around the word “love,” but even that gets better with a little detail. “I loved watching you snuggle with your beautiful baby girl, You’re a great mom.” has a lot more punch.
Maybe I’m just turning into a grumpy old man. Perhaps the next generation will take “I appreciate you” and make it as timeless as “cool” or “awesome.” But for now, if I ever end a conversation with “I appreciate you,” just know—it’s probably sarcasm.
As always, I appreciate your feedback. 😉
